This week's conversation
You lead a small team. A peer in another department is your counterpart on a shared project. Good at the job, easy to like. For three months they have messaged you in the evenings and at weekends. "Quick q." "You around?" A screenshot on Saturday morning with no context.
You have answered almost every one, because it was faster than letting it sit. Now they expect it. Last Sunday you were at a family dinner and you checked your phone four times. Someone at the table noticed.
You want to raise it on Monday. The moment you dread is saying it out loud and hearing, "Oh, you don't have to answer." That leaves you looking rigid, and it changes nothing.
Why it goes sideways
Every reply you send teaches the pattern. That is ordinary learning, not anyone being difficult. There is a second loop running in you. An unanswered message creates a small spike of unease: will they think I'm not committed? Replying makes the unease go away. Relief is a powerful reinforcer, so the habit gets stronger on both sides.
That is why this conversation tends to go sideways. You go in apologising, which signals the boundary is negotiable. Or you wait until you are resentful, and it comes out sharp. Either way you end up talking about their behaviour, which invites defence. It goes better if you own your part, "I've been answering", and then state what you will do from now on. You are not asking them to change who they are. You are telling them how you will respond.
What to say
Opening:
"Can I raise something small? I've been answering your evening and weekend messages, and I've set an expectation I can't keep. From now on, anything after six or at weekends, I'll reply to the next working morning."
When they push back with "It's just a quick question, you don't have to answer":
"I know you don't mean it as pressure. But when I read it, I'm working. So if it can wait, send it in the morning or schedule it. If it's genuinely urgent, call me, and I'll pick up."
Closing:
"So non-urgent things wait until the morning, and a call means it's urgent. Shall we try that for two weeks and check in on how it's going?"
- Instead of "Sorry, I know this is a bit precious," try "Here's what works for me."
- Instead of "I'll try not to reply so fast," try "I'll reply the next working morning."
- Instead of a 10 pm "No worries, all good," try saying nothing until morning, then answering properly.
One caution. If the messages come from your own manager and are a condition of the job, that is a conversation about expectations and possibly HR, not a peer request. If messages are hostile, sexual, or keep coming after you have asked them to stop, take it to HR or your supervisor rather than handling it alone.
Two-minute drill
Say the opening line out loud three times. The first time, just get the words out. The second, slow down. The third, remove every "sorry", "just" and "a bit". Notice that the third version sounds kinder, not harsher. Calm and clear usually does.
Practice it
Rehearse this exact conversation before Monday. On the free practice page, pick the Workplace domain and the Limit-Testing Colleague persona, then describe the situation in a sentence. If you have an account, open The Weekend Texter from Workplace → Boundaries in the app's library. Practice this conversation
The boundary starts with the next message you don't answer tonight.
— Dan
Dan Gardner, MD · Psychiatrist · Psychoanalyst · Founder, DialoQue